The funniest tweets on TWEETER

The funniest tweets on TWEETER



baileygenine I'm a mess. Not in the "beautiful mess" way. In the "you dropped an omelette all over the floor then stepped in it" way.

2:51 PM Mar 31st

Yayaa Back in my day we didn't have 'sexting' - we exchanged our naked pictures via carvings on rocks.

8:30 AM Mar 31st

Other tweets about Sexting ... :

jesuiseval: Why is it that SEXTING is always on the news. Ugh we all know about sexting by now, k? You're not gonna eradicate it or anything LOL internetlaw4u: Dumb lawyer, dumber teens, bad parents, and a fight over sexting. http://bit.ly/FtclQ mark_t_tomczak: #sexting Reading news articles, I can't help but wonder... How did civilization ever survive naughty letters and revealing Polaroids? Nicolerf14: My dad just asked what sextingis...LOL! kellyilla: Baby is asleep. Just got through sextingwith my husband...well, he doesn't know about it yet. palinode: We didn't have cell phones in high school for sexting, so we were forced to make do and just have sex. Lame. iidiocracy: Whats more disturbing? Teens #sexting each other. Or adults confiscating their cell phones and collecting all the photos http://bit.ly/KTSmc

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Remiel My parents didn't retweet me enough.

6:56 AM Mar 31st

blondediva11 I gained much weight when I quit smoking which I'm now trying to lose. I'm not really fat, but if I rolled over twice, I'd be in Seattle.

3:09 PM Mar 30th

toldorknown Started weight training yesterday. My peccaries are squeeling. Or whatever they're called. I'm in no shape to pick up that dictionary.

2:06 AM Mar 30th

badbanana For their tour, U2 will need 120 trucks just to move the stage. I assume at least another 5 trucks for wraparound sunglasses.

11:17 AM Mar 29th

@Jasonfinn : They also need to bring a section of the French Riviera to sip Champagne on. 3 trucks minimum.

@ justashley : What kind of Carbon Footprint is U2 going to have?

@MsCarlaPauline : And at least 5 trucks for Bono's massive ego.

ungraceful Surrounded by insane soccer moms. Send help. And weapons. A lot of weapons.

9:30 AM Mar 29th

@divatoolbox : we have all been there and feel for you - hope your team wins!

@elagrew : You're on your own buddy. We will avenge your death!

@Marielhemingway : sounds AWFUL sending support



detweiler I need to stop telling people about Twitter so I can talk about them on it.

11:25 PM Mar 27th

zeldman Just had honest talk with self. Not a bad fellow, knows a lot about me. Should consult him more often.

1:43 AM Mar 27th

texburgher It's breathtakingly beautiful, the dim light of the office fridge filtered through the fine mist of a really good sneeze.

6:31 AM Mar 26th

sween Irony is reading a conversation on Facebook about how Twitter is a waste of time.

12:38 AM Mar 26th

summerjane Dear guy that asked me out in high school & is now a millionaire: I am entirely shallow now and will reconsider. XOXO, Summer

11:13 AM Mar 25th

joeschmidt Realized I haven't received a forward urban legend email in days. Sensing a great disturbance within my Mother-in-law's computer.

2:10 PM Mar 21st

thewesterly Used a fax machine today. Join us next time as I contract the Black Death and test-drive a "horseless carriage!"

2:39 PM Mar 18th

sloganeerist I thought you said this was an oldies station? This song was a hit when I was... Oh no. Noo nooooooo. Nope. No SIR. Noooope. Nope. Nuh-uh.

12:31 PM Mar 9th

superfantastic Dentist visit was brutal. My teeth are fine, but they had The View on in the exam room. With special guest Miley Cyrus.

6:52 AM Mar 9th

PBones This is the way Facebook ends. Not with a bang, but with a friend request from your own mother.

3:49 AM Mar 9th

emersunn Help! Speaking in Yoda's voice my brain is. Stop I cannot.

6:09 PM Mar 7th

abigvictory Talking out loud to myself, I'm pretty sure my dog just looked at me and said "Your argument is invalid."

1:32 AM Mar 4th

gordonshumway The anti-depressant Cymbalta can cause facial swelling, weight gain and impotence. Its new motto? I'LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT.

2008-12-29

Moltz I am going to be in such good shape now that I found these Wii Fit cheat codes.

5:47 AM Dec 28th

OblongRobber Polite alternative to "no" in 2009: "Not in this economy." As in: "You want fries with that?" "Not in this economy."

3:04 PM Dec 22nd

alinasmith When I have a headache my funny slows down. But my bitchy? My bitchy does not slow down.

2008-12-12

AuntMarvel Lacking pockets, I put my iPhone in my bra. My boobs had a heyday deleting apps and calling people.

4:51 PM Nov 28th 2008

ColetteBenoir HE WAS MARRIED W/KIDS (let me know an hour in) & he wanted me to meet his wife for a 3some - do i win a prize? worst date ever #badfirstdate

5:41 PM Nov 4th 2008

Tony_D Bad news: catastrophic hard drive failure. Good news: inbox zero!

Nov 12 2008

globalhermit Forming a coalition government with my wife to take control of the house back from my cat. Your reign of terror is over, fishbreath.

3:22 PM Nov 29th 2008

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