Jon Oliver Engaged To Iraq War Veteran

The Daily Show's John Oliver is engaged! Is there anything better than a comedian who's ready to abandon his late night habits of practicing for a Stewart skit by donning the comedy and tragedy masks in the name of marrying his girlfriend of two years? Not really! What if she's an Iraq war veteran? Let the record show that we can't make jokes about John Oliver's teeth anymore.

The lucky woman's name is Kate Norley, whose been dating Oliver for two years. Oliver revealed the engagement this Saturday at Comedy Central's Night of Too Many Stars, a benefit that raises money for autism, but the two have really been engaged since July, when they took a trip to St. Thomas and Oliver commanded she that she risk her life to eat a blowfish to prove she was committed to him. She did because she's been to war, and he was surprised because he's a comedian who warms himself up for a show by making jokes about tie knots.

The two met at the 2008 Republican National Convention (Pluto was apparently starting to question its self worth) that Oliver covered for Stewart and Norley was there to speak about the hardships of war, maybe? Or emasculation techniques? Oliver already seems to be aware of those, as he told People Magazine, "It's the most emasculating thing I could possibly do to go out with someone who has actually done something valuable with their life." Look! He can't even make a joke about his love for her! "She emasculates me" is... I don't know, it's really hard to make jokes about a veteran, especially one that's in love. I feel like they'll come into my apartment and take away the new refrigerator that was just installed and turns my orange juice into a huge orange popsicle. But the comedian part of this equation is so tempting. So let's try and focus on the other side of the equation -- a comedian seduced a veteran! This is so pointless.

Lauren Conrad Is Ready To Return To TV

It’s been just over two months since The Hills left us with a pathetic attempt at a semi-metaphysical conclusion. It really was a pretty terrible ending – to be fair, it’s not like the show could have had any sort of ending that would merit the word “good” – leaving with a big middle finger to loyal fans who allowed themselves to get caught up in all the fabricated drama. (Dear Adam DiVello, your “clever” ending was pretentious and indulgent. Stick to girl-fights and stop trying to be edgy.) With the show’s final breath, it became painstakingly clear that they sorely needed Lauren Conrad and the show should have been put out of its misery from the minute she left. Well, LC fans, get ready to rejoice because it’s time for the California blonde to team up with MTV and give reality TV another shot.

She’s famously said that she’s “over” The Hills, telling Cosmopolitan, "I've always had another season to look forward to, but now life is a little more unplanned. It's really exciting,” and up until recently, she’s been sticking to her story. She’s stayed out of the spotlight, concentrated on her business endeavors, and started dating dudes without constant surveillance or commentary from the peanut gallery, but now she’s jumping back into the reality circuit. So will we see more loser-centric relationship drama? (For such a smart girl, she always dated some serious losers on that show.) LC says no way. She's insisting that the show focus only on her professional life and that her beau, Kyle Howard (My Boys), is left out of it. The show will, however, feature her roommate – oh joy, another chance for some Heidi Montag-brand drama. I hope the girl had finally learned how to avoid living with insane people by this point.

Sure, she’s normal, independently successful, industrious, sweet, and (the cherry on top) not crazy, which in TV-land translates to B-O-R-I-N-G in most cases. However, with all the crazy “reality” and the incessant drug-ridden antics of a handful of other starlets flooding every media outlet, a return to normalcy with Lauren could be exactly what we all need.

Jennifer Aniston Is The Most Eligible Woman In The World

A '60 Minutes' and Vanity Fair poll came to the conclusion that Jennifer Aniston is the most eligible single woman in the world, and forgot to say that the margin of error was +- any of our interest in the poll itself. After winning 29% of the votes, Aniston swiped the title right out of the hands of Halle Berry, Elin Nordegren, Betty White, Lady Gaga, and Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States, Elena Kagan. Guess who handled the loss with the least amount of grace.

However, I'm surprised that 29% of the people from somewhere still consider Jennifer Aniston to be an eligible woman, especially since her unsuccessful attempts at staying in a relationship make her more readily classifiable as decidedly IN-eligible and UN-dateable. Consider the men who have helped her weigh the pros and cons of yet another septoplasty: Adam Duritz, Tate Donovan, Brad Pitt, Vince Vaughn, John Mayer, some guy named Josh Hopkins, possibly Gerard Butler, British model Paul Sculfor and maybe Bradley Cooper. It seems like the title of "the most eligible woman in the world" would be better suited for someone who's proven herself actually capable of dating. Also, the term "eligible" implies the person at hand has just been unlucky in love, but is otherwise meant to be in a relationship -- Aniston just doesn't seem like she is, which means she's an unwise choice to take out on a date, which means she's ineligible to take on a date BECAUSE it's unwise, which means she's not the most eligible woman in the world.


Join the fight to give Elena what's hers.

The Week We Wanted: Lindsay Lohan Goes to Jail

Kim And Kourtney Kardashian Get New NYC-Based Reality Show

They've done L.A. They've done Miami. So, what's left for the enterprising Kardashian clan? Well, now it's time for at least two of the Kardashian sisters, Kim and Kourtney, to make New York City all their own.

Middle sister Kim took to her blog to confirm the latest reality show centered on her family. "It's official! Kourtney and I have moved to NYC to film our brand new show for E! Kourtney and Kim Take New York!!!!" she wrote. "I could not be more excited to spend the next couple of months in one of my favorite cities! When we decided to open a new DASH store in the city, Kourt and I felt that someone needed to be here to help out with the store and make sure everything was running smoothly. After talking with my family, I decided that I would join Kourtney, [Kourtney's boyfriend] Scott [Disick] and [their son] Mason in NYC.

"Not only do I get to spend some quality time with Kourt, I also get to hang out with Masey as much as I want. I can't imagine being away from him for so long!" Kim continued. "We'll be filming the show over the next couple of months and capturing all the fun and drama that will no doubt unfold along the way. Get ready NYC ... Kim and Kourtney are in town!!!"

Similarly, older sister Kourtney blogged about moving their hectic life to the Big Apple. "Mason, Kim, Scott and I arrived in NYC," she wrote. "So excited for some fall in the Big Apple. No place better."

Taylor Swift Previews 'Speak Now'

Taylor Swift has graduated from writing lyrics about boys on the football team to penning songs about guys getting married. The country singer released the title track from her forthcoming album Speak Now on Tuesday morning, and in the song, she sings from the perspective of a woman whose former lover is on the verge of walking down the aisle.

Swift isn't angry with this guy, who just might be inspired by someone she knows. In fact, she's still very much in love with him and wants to make sure he doesn't marry the wrong girl.

"I am not the kind of girl who should be rudely barging in on a white affair occasion," she sings. "But you are not the kind of boy who should be marrying the wrong girl."

Soon, the wedding-crashing Swift is pleading to her ex to forgo the "I do"s and run away with her. "Don't say it. Let's run away now. I'll meet you when you're out of the church at the back door," she croons in the chorus. "Don't wait to say a single vow. You need to hear me out and you say speak now."

As the song progresses, we learn a lot about the bride, who wears poofy wedding gowns, has a very stuffy-seeming family and (perhaps justifiably) hates Swift. In the bridge, Swift sings, "Horrified looks from everyone in the room, but I'm only looking at you," before echoing the song's opening pleas. "I am not the kind of girl who should be rudely barging in on a white affair occasion," she says. "But you are not the kind of boy who should be marrying the wrong girl."

Listeners aren't left hanging to find out who Swift's target ends up with. In a narrative twist that echoes earlier Swift tracks like "Love Story" and "You Belong With Me," she gets the guy: "And you say, 'Let's run away now. I'll meet you when I'm out of my tux at the back door. Baby, I didn't say a vow. So glad you were around when they said, "Speak Now."'